Archive for April, 2010

Health is scary

Posted in Uncategorized on 04/05/2010 10:24 am by Laurel

Since Esther came home for Christmas break she has been trying little bits of cheese, single M&Ms, a spoonful of yogurt on granola. Those small changes open up dozens of new recipes for us. That should be cause for great rejoicing. And it is, except there is this thread of unreasoning fear that runs underneath my thoughts. We have learned to manage this illness by constant vigilance and disciplined living, relentless focus. If I relax my grip I may lose my ability to control this thing. Except it isn’t mine. And control is an illusion. All I am really doing is cooperating with my daughter to change behavior and knowledge so as to affect her symptoms. So why does letting go seem so frightening?

Who would have thought illness would feel comfortable and familiar? Who would have thought that the changes of healing would bring the insecurity of the unknown? No wonder Jesus asked people with lifelong infirmities in the Gospels if they wanted to be healed before he helped them.

I am not ungrateful. Just not brave.